Cocaine Killed The Radio Star

Dark Comedy

2009-02-12T17:38:00.003-06:00

A middle-aged African-American male named Leonard runs into his white friend Steve while out shopping.

Leonard: Hey, Steve!

Steve: Oh, hey, what's up, Leonard?

Leonard: Nothin, man, same old same old. So I'm throwing a costume party tonight. You should come.

Steve: Sure, man, will do.

Leonard: Don't forget to wear a costume!

That night...

Leonard's doorbell rings. Leonard opens the door to see someone in a KKK uniform standing on the doorstep.

Leonard: Hey, man, that shit ain't fucking funny. I take offense to this. What kind of a joke is this?

KKK: It's not a joke.

CUT to scene of Leonard hanging from a tree (he got lynched).

Quick Question...

2008-09-15T11:23:00.001-05:00

Has anyone ever had an orgasm while getting an abortion?

Thanks For Raping Me, Uncle Lenny

2008-09-10T16:38:00.002-05:00

Dear Uncle Lenny,

Hey thanks for raping me when I was ten. I know at the time when you were touching my butt and my genitals, I was all like "what are you doing?" and you encouraged me it was for the better, and you know what? Now that I'm older, I realize you were right. I am a better person now.

Keep molesting,
Your nephew

A Poem I Wrote In Preschool

2008-09-08T20:01:00.002-05:00

"I Bet Bristol Palin Doesn't Shave Her Vagina"

I bet Bristol Palin doesn't shave her vagina.

I mean, she's kind of fat, even before she got pregnant she was fat.

Maybe it's because Sarah Palin's lying and Bristol isn't pregnant but in fact the father of Trig or whatever that little shit's name is called.

Don't misinterpret this, Sarah

I would still rail you.

You look like you're DTF (down to fuck)

When Accused Of Baby Rape...

2008-09-08T18:39:00.002-05:00

It is recommended you use the following excuses:

Hey, wouldn't be the first baby I've raped!
...or the last!
That baby was flirting with me!
You shoulda seen the diaper bitch was wearing! Baby was practically asking to be raped!
Who hasn't raped a couple babies?!
...and then pissed on them?!

Black People: Are You Mad At Me Or Something?

2008-09-05T16:57:00.002-05:00

You just...you just look mad, is all. Did I do something wrong, or are you always angry, black people?

So are you like mad at me for anything (besides slavery)?

Cocaine, You're My Best Friend!

2008-09-04T12:54:00.003-05:00

Cocaine, I love you so much! Coke - can I call you that? - you're always there for me. You've always been there for me. You always will be there for me. Except when my dealer's in jail. Or he's fresh out of blow.

But cocaine, what matters is the memories we have together. Unless we don't build more memories. Then I'll start going through withdrawals. Best friend withdrawals...

Let's have a pillow fight tonight, cocaine! Don't know how pillow fights work, because you're a drug and not a human? I'll tell you how. I buy an 8 ball of you, smash you up with a razor blade, and just start fuckin railing lines over and over. Whenever I start coming down, I rail another line! Then I feel bad again. Then I snort a line and feel great. Best friends forever!

Coke. Snow. Blow. White stuff. Ye. Booger sugar. Nose candy. No matter what nickname you go by, I'll always call you..my best friend.

You've gotten me through some tough times. You've also gotten me through some fuckin' awesome times. I mean fuck remember that time I snorted you off of a naked stripper's butthole?

Will You Rape My Daughter?

2008-09-03T17:55:00.001-05:00

I am looking for two qualified men to rape my daughter. Previous rape experience is a +. The sooner you apply, the better chance that you will get to rape my daughter. Please submit your resume to me complete with a cover letter. Include why you are qualified to rape my daughter, references (they must concur that you will indeed rape and have raped and are a good rapist). This is a part-time position, with a chance to move up the rape ladder to my future daughters.

You Will Respect And Worship My Bong...Sweetheart

2008-09-03T10:22:00.002-05:00

Hey honey, quick talk?

Don't have time? FUCK YOU. You have time now. Deal with it.

How bout' that for chivalry? Chivalry's alive, baby.

Alright, quick talk quick talk.

Wanted to talk you about my bong.

Oh, I didn't tell you I smoked weed, you say? That's fucking right, bitch, cos' I don't smoke weed.

That bong is for crack usage only.

Anyways, no big deal, but from now on you shall woorship the Bong as your Father and Savior.

Cool, right? Cool. I didn't hear what you said, but you probably agreed to sacrifice your firstborn to the Bong. J/K, I don't want any kids, but per chance in the off chance that by chance some negro knocks you up with his horse semen, you know what to do with the bastard child.

Kill it. (Just clarifying.)

Okay, so you got it? You will give everything you have to my Bong, you will treat it as your God and the God of everyone in the world, ever, and you will make food for the Bong, clean up after the Bong, and do anything else the Bong asks you to do.

Okay, Blowjob Time!

A Poem That's Probably Not Really A Poem, Technically

2008-09-02T10:14:00.002-05:00

Cindy McCain: I'm Going To Facefuck You

Cindy McCain first of all I want you to know that I'm going to facefuck you
And you will love it, my sweetheart, my precious, precious flower
I am going to destroy your beauty
When I'm done with you, Johnny McCain won't want you anymore

(Because he's a dick)
(And because I'm going to facefuck you really hard)

Threats of forced sexual bliss
Are the only PURE thing left in this world
The only untouched thing made by God
FACEFUCKING

I'm going to facefuck you, Cindy, remember that
Treasure that
Hold that thought in your arms as you fall asleep
Remember it when you falter
Think of it when you are scared
Go away to a place where I'm facefucking you to escape the reality of John McCain beating you every morning

I'M GOING TO FACEFUCK YOU CINDY MCCAIN

Hookers

2008-07-15T17:22:00.001-05:00

"Prostitutes in the 1920's were a dime a dozen...A dime for a dozen blowjobs."

One Porn Star To Another, After Falling In Love

2008-07-09T18:10:00.002-05:00

"You came all over my heart."

Professional Baby Rape League

2008-07-02T16:45:00.002-05:00

"Baby rape, while no longer an official sport, still draws many spectators."

This Is How Terrell Owens Watches TV

2008-05-14T22:08:00.003-05:00

A 4-Sentence Essay On Condoms

2008-05-14T22:05:00.003-05:00

Condoms: to wear them or not to wear them? That is the question. Just kidding, it's not really a question. Don't wear them!

If Only Heath Ledger Hadn't Died

2008-05-14T17:53:00.002-05:00

Brokeback Mountain 2: Brokeback, Legs, Arms, Ears, Nose, and Throat, From Fucking Another Dude Really Hard Mountain

Things You Can Masturbate Onto If You Don't Have Any Kleenex In Your Dorm Room

2008-05-14T17:22:00.002-05:00

A white t-shirt (and then wash it, hopefully)
A pizza crust
The garbage
Your roommate's face

Some Signs The Sex You're Having Right Now Isn't Consentual

2008-05-09T02:07:00.004-05:00

They're just really not into it, you know? They're not giving 110% like most girls would whilst having sex with you.
You had to waste like at least four roofies on her.
She calls 911 like immediately after you orgasm.
You practically had to drag the girl to your house. Okay, you literally had to drag the girl to your house.

On Sports

2008-05-09T01:39:00.002-05:00

What can I say about sports? SOOOOO fucking sweet. It's like the ball's here and then all of a sudden it's not there anymore it's somewhere else! Sports are like so action packed and shit! It's like you're a perfectly healthy man in your young twenties and then all of a sudden you have a career-ending back injury and your team lost the championship! Drained you both mentally and physically! You'll never be the same! But at least you won 3 out of 4 in the preseason, right broski? Right.

It's like sometimes you get the ball in the goal/hoop/net and sometimes you fucking don't! And when you don't, it's like FuuuuuuuuuuCKKKK, you know?!? Like you totally should've gotten in it there, man, what the fuck? Your team was counting on you to get that little soft ball where it needed to be AND YOU FUCKED IT UP. Shame on you. If your dad turns up dead in some ditch in New Jersey, don't be surprised. He deserved it because you ate shit when you shouldn't have ate shit. Fuck you. How hard is it to get that ball to who or where it needed to be? You've done it a million times before! Fuck you.

Not only did you not meet your own expectations of yourself, you've let down all your peers, your teammates, a whole franchise, and a whole fucking city. That city will not survive without that championship trophy locked somewhere in some building.

I understand there was a lot of pressure in every way. And there were people just as talented as you, if not more talented than you, working against you, but FUCK! I could do that shit in my sleep! I DO do it in my sleep, actually! Last night I had a dream where I carried a team singlehandedly with my ball-playing.

And you get paid like thousands of dollars! I don't have a job and I make like 9 out of 10 free throws. Well, 6 out of 10 on a bad day. And it's in my driveway, but still.

Just practice harder, dude. If you practice 24/7, literally, I swear you'll be untouchable. Just don't pay any of your bills, don't eat anything except for Gatorade and steroids, and don't pay any attention to your wife. Just live, eat, and breathe whatever sport and you'll be good to go! You'll win that championship or the playoffs or some random meaningless game and I won't have a bad day and I won't beat my wife.

But until you never ever lose and never make a mistake, I will continue living a sad existence (but not as sad as yours, you failure). I will continue to slack off at my job, yell at my children for nothing, and rape my wife.

Untitled Script, Part 1

2008-04-21T01:18:00.001-05:00

FADE IN:

INT. HEAVEN – DAY

GOD is strolling through Heaven, whistling loudly.

He opens a door. Inside is Jesus, naked. HE turns around, very shocked and surprised.

JESUS CHRIST
Oh, Jesus Christ!

GOD
Jesus Christ!

JESUS CHRIST
Hey, don’t use my name in vain!

GOD
You’re masturbating on a picture of the Virgin Mary! You’ve given up all name-not-in-vain privliedges.

JESUS CHRIST
Fuck you, Dad.

GOD
No, you know what? Fuck you, Jesus. Fuck you to Hell. I should’ve got an abortion with you. I knew you weren’t gonna be the next Einstein.

JESUS CHRIST
Jesus, God!

GOD
Oh, great. Now you’re using your own name in vain. Real mature, hypocrite.

JESUS CHRIST
If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been using my name in vain for a while now. Too busy doing lines of cocaine off angels’ tits, huh, Dad?

GOD

Hahaha. You’re so funny. Oh, look at me, I’m Jesus. I perform miracles and stand-up comedy at open mics. Hahaha. My life is one big joke.

Hello, Welcome, Sit Down, Let Me Pour You A Roofie-Filled Drink

2008-04-18T19:01:00.000-05:00

Hello, thank you for coming to my new blog. I don't know how you discovered it or who you are, but please don't hurt me children. Actually do it I don't give a fuck. I grounded those bastards like a week ago and they snuck out! Do you believe that shit? Anyways, I'm digressing.

What This Blog Will Be:

Random comedy blurbs, ranging in length and funniness. For stuff that doesn't fit in with the other stuff on my Points In Case column or my Tumblr blog.

Who This Blog Is Written By:

Paul Frank, a comedy writer who has written for and been featured on: Points in Case, College Humor, and this sentence right now. Holy shit you're probably tripping right now.

Anyways, I'm just gonna let my mind take me where it wants to. That's what I usually do.