Quick Question...

Has anyone ever had an orgasm while getting an abortion?

Thanks For Raping Me, Uncle Lenny

Dear Uncle Lenny,

Hey thanks for raping me when I was ten. I know at the time when you were touching my butt and my genitals, I was all like "what are you doing?" and you encouraged me it was for the better, and you know what? Now that I'm older, I realize you were right. I am a better person now.

Keep molesting,
Your nephew

A Poem I Wrote In Preschool

"I Bet Bristol Palin Doesn't Shave Her Vagina"

I bet Bristol Palin doesn't shave her vagina.

I mean, she's kind of fat, even before she got pregnant she was fat.

Maybe it's because Sarah Palin's lying and Bristol isn't pregnant but in fact the father of Trig or whatever that little shit's name is called.

Don't misinterpret this, Sarah

I would still rail you.

You look like you're DTF (down to fuck)

When Accused Of Baby Rape...

It is recommended you use the following excuses:

• Hey, wouldn't be the first baby I've raped!
• ...or the last!
• That baby was flirting with me!
• You shoulda seen the diaper bitch was wearing! Baby was practically asking to be raped!
• Who hasn't raped a couple babies?!
• ...and then pissed on them?!

Black People: Are You Mad At Me Or Something?

You just...you just look mad, is all. Did I do something wrong, or are you always angry, black people?

So are you like mad at me for anything (besides slavery)?

Cocaine, You're My Best Friend!

Cocaine, I love you so much! Coke - can I call you that? - you're always there for me. You've always been there for me. You always will be there for me. Except when my dealer's in jail. Or he's fresh out of blow.

But cocaine, what matters is the memories we have together. Unless we don't build more memories. Then I'll start going through withdrawals. Best friend withdrawals...

Let's have a pillow fight tonight, cocaine! Don't know how pillow fights work, because you're a drug and not a human? I'll tell you how. I buy an 8 ball of you, smash you up with a razor blade, and just start fuckin railing lines over and over. Whenever I start coming down, I rail another line! Then I feel bad again. Then I snort a line and feel great. Best friends forever!

Coke. Snow. Blow. White stuff. Ye. Booger sugar. Nose candy. No matter what nickname you go by, I'll always call you..my best friend.

You've gotten me through some tough times. You've also gotten me through some fuckin' awesome times. I mean fuck remember that time I snorted you off of a naked stripper's butthole?

Will You Rape My Daughter?

I am looking for two qualified men to rape my daughter. Previous rape experience is a +. The sooner you apply, the better chance that you will get to rape my daughter. Please submit your resume to me complete with a cover letter. Include why you are qualified to rape my daughter, references (they must concur that you will indeed rape and have raped and are a good rapist). This is a part-time position, with a chance to move up the rape ladder to my future daughters.

You Will Respect And Worship My Bong...Sweetheart

Hey honey, quick talk?

Don't have time? FUCK YOU. You have time now. Deal with it.

How bout' that for chivalry? Chivalry's alive, baby.

Alright, quick talk quick talk.

Wanted to talk you about my bong.

Oh, I didn't tell you I smoked weed, you say? That's fucking right, bitch, cos' I don't smoke weed.

That bong is for crack usage only.

Anyways, no big deal, but from now on you shall woorship the Bong as your Father and Savior.

Cool, right? Cool. I didn't hear what you said, but you probably agreed to sacrifice your firstborn to the Bong. J/K, I don't want any kids, but per chance in the off chance that by chance some negro knocks you up with his horse semen, you know what to do with the bastard child.

Kill it. (Just clarifying.)

Okay, so you got it? You will give everything you have to my Bong, you will treat it as your God and the God of everyone in the world, ever, and you will make food for the Bong, clean up after the Bong, and do anything else the Bong asks you to do.

Okay, Blowjob Time!

A Poem That's Probably Not Really A Poem, Technically

Cindy McCain: I'm Going To Facefuck You

Cindy McCain first of all I want you to know that I'm going to facefuck you
And you will love it, my sweetheart, my precious, precious flower
I am going to destroy your beauty
When I'm done with you, Johnny McCain won't want you anymore

(Because he's a dick)
(And because I'm going to facefuck you really hard)

Threats of forced sexual bliss
Are the only PURE thing left in this world
The only untouched thing made by God
FACEFUCKING

I'm going to facefuck you, Cindy, remember that
Treasure that
Hold that thought in your arms as you fall asleep
Remember it when you falter
Think of it when you are scared
Go away to a place where I'm facefucking you to escape the reality of John McCain beating you every morning

I'M GOING TO FACEFUCK YOU CINDY MCCAIN