On Sports

What can I say about sports? SOOOOO fucking sweet. It's like the ball's here and then all of a sudden it's not there anymore it's somewhere else! Sports are like so action packed and shit! It's like you're a perfectly healthy man in your young twenties and then all of a sudden you have a career-ending back injury and your team lost the championship! Drained you both mentally and physically! You'll never be the same! But at least you won 3 out of 4 in the preseason, right broski? Right.

It's like sometimes you get the ball in the goal/hoop/net and sometimes you fucking don't! And when you don't, it's like FuuuuuuuuuuCKKKK, you know?!? Like you totally should've gotten in it there, man, what the fuck? Your team was counting on you to get that little soft ball where it needed to be AND YOU FUCKED IT UP. Shame on you. If your dad turns up dead in some ditch in New Jersey, don't be surprised. He deserved it because you ate shit when you shouldn't have ate shit. Fuck you. How hard is it to get that ball to who or where it needed to be? You've done it a million times before! Fuck you.

Not only did you not meet your own expectations of yourself, you've let down all your peers, your teammates, a whole franchise, and a whole fucking city. That city will not survive without that championship trophy locked somewhere in some building.

I understand there was a lot of pressure in every way. And there were people just as talented as you, if not more talented than you, working against you, but FUCK! I could do that shit in my sleep! I DO do it in my sleep, actually! Last night I had a dream where I carried a team singlehandedly with my ball-playing.

And you get paid like thousands of dollars! I don't have a job and I make like 9 out of 10 free throws. Well, 6 out of 10 on a bad day. And it's in my driveway, but still.

Just practice harder, dude. If you practice 24/7, literally, I swear you'll be untouchable. Just don't pay any of your bills, don't eat anything except for Gatorade and steroids, and don't pay any attention to your wife. Just live, eat, and breathe whatever sport and you'll be good to go! You'll win that championship or the playoffs or some random meaningless game and I won't have a bad day and I won't beat my wife.

But until you never ever lose and never make a mistake, I will continue living a sad existence (but not as sad as yours, you failure). I will continue to slack off at my job, yell at my children for nothing, and rape my wife.